I Live Beneath Statler and Waldorf

In case you have not figured out from the title I am a hugh fan of The Muppet Show. I grew up with Jim Henson’s characters coming into my home via the television every week. My favorite characters were the two ‘old-man’ hecklers whom sat in the balcony and made bad and bad puns after “every” performance. As a result my I became an amateur movie critic. I have been panning movies for years now. I have written over 1,009 such cinematic critics. Now at the ripe old age of FORTY, I have the personifications of such cloth characters living in the apartment above me. The first time I met them they offered up this wonderful piece of information… “We are not gay!” old man #1 stated without prodding. “We are two heterosexual men living together living together.” He finished. I was shocked I did not ask for that piece of information nor did I assume they were. I have no prejudices against such things. My mother and sister taught me to accept all people, big and small, ugly or beautiful, and even odd or even. (There are TWO of them by the way. Hence an EVEN number.) I have an outside entrance in an apartment complex where most residents must walk down a common hall escape the insanity of the outside world and relax at home. I have a “private” outdoor entrance. So as a result I cannot enter or exit my bachelor pad without walking under their balcony. It seems that these two residents spend A LOT of time on thus balcony. As a result I cannot escape cabin fever without them knowing my comings or goings. They ALWAYS ask me annoying questions about my interests, my destination, or my sex life. (Ok, the third one is an exadadoration but you get my point.) I will admit praying to the man above. I am devout Christian whom just spent some time at a local Christian College. While taking classes there I worked on the school newspaper and became a movie critic thus biweekly publication. I stopped taking classes a while ago but I am still involved in its founding church two years later. As I said before I am a follower of Christ, so a result we are taught to “love our neighbors”. Well in this case I make an exception! Most people complain about their families, gripe about their jobs, and wine about weather. A lot of Christians pray to the “Man upstairs”. I can relate to these people for I do so every day. My mother taught me to be unique, and my sister is an English teacher so she taught me to be a writer. (Hence, the reason for this story.) I pray about the mEn upstairs. They drive me crazy, make me insane, and force me to stay indoors as much possible where even my cat is tired of looking at me. (I love you Nikita!)

1989: What A Year In Football (For Me)

I like many men a fan of football. I lock myself in my apartment and if anyone calls me in the middle of a Philadelphia Eagles game it had BETTER BE IMPORTANT! Oh yea, I live in the suburbs of Philadelphia and spent time as a sports writer at a local Christian college. You may be confused then by the title of this “article”. Let me explain, I LOATHE the Dallas Cowboys and it is considered sac religious to even mention a Texas football team in these here parts. Alas, I make an exception in this case. I used to live in the state of Texas. So I became a fan of the college football team named the Aggies. (Texas A & M University) They are the team that lives, breathes, and dies football. This team even has ‘Midnight Yell Practices’. (The name is self-explanatory.) EVERY evening during the college football season the ENTIRE student body of Texas A & M University drops what they are doing and walks down to their home stadium named Kyle Field and screams their heads off for the next few hours. In Texas football is a religious experience. In Texas you are “allowed” to skip church on Sunday, just as long as you watch football that weekend. It does not matter if it is a high school football team in your back yard on Friday; a beloved college football team such as Texas A & M, Baylor, or even if desperate those UGLY texas longhorns. (YOU HAVE TO BE REALLY DESPERATE to cheer for them!) The Tennessee Titans who once played as the Houston Oilers would be a better Texas football team to cheer for then the UGLY, DEPLORABLE, longhorns. I am a former stepbrother of not one but two Texas A & M graduates. Our parents may have gotten divorced. I may have even lost my mother who was married to thus aforementioned A & M father but the Aggies are alive in my heart forever. I even purchased a personalized Texas A & M T- shirt via the Internet that was complimented in a nearby coffee house from an adorable young Barista with the same name as my mother. Most people had A Big celebration a decade later. You know they partied like it’s 1999. I decided to get things done ahead of time. I partied an entire decade earlier. People always tell me that I am far ahead of my time.